Serving the Succubus by Haleigh Cookson Clark

If you are going to set out to write a character that is voraciously sexual, you can’t go wrong with “Missy”, the Succubus of this short by sweet sexual romp. It’s bossy and carnal without being scary or mean and makes a pretty good interpretation with the oft used trope of the sex demon lady.

Heleigh Cookson Clark is a prolific author, with a large collection of ebooks devoted to all things sensual and erotic. She is to be commended for tackling a fairly challenging problem in all things pornographic- making a female dominant character that feels like one could self insert into, pretty key in any erotic fantasy that’s not simply voyeuristic. In this case, the fantasy is a power fantasy of being sexual desire personified, but nonetheless fun.

Another serious point in favour of the author- the hapless victim is very much wanted by Missy, something you don’t see enough of in femdom media. Succubi in general benefit from the fact that they like sex, and the frazzled grad student hero “Ethan Banks” is likeable and convincing food to appease his top. He’s actually very much like the guys I know in real life to the point that a tiny little bit of me thinks a real Ethan Banks may be running around in the wild -or at least fragments of him are.

And it’s not usual that someone as debauched as me really feels a bit naughty after reading something, even in a femdom book.

What’s my final verdict?
Category: Ebook
Rating: o~o~o~o (4/5)
How I got it: Review copy
TL;DR: Femdom short fiction, essentially one very long sex scene with a dom who has a tail. But she likes the sub, so yaye!

The post Femdom Book Review: Serving the Succubus by Haleigh Cookson Clark appeared first on O Miss Pearl.

She made him stand in the middle of the living room, looking him up and down. He was slightly taller than her, lanky of frame, with his neck bent to watch what she was doing, until she took his chin and fixed his gaze straight ahead at the muted brown drapes on the other side of the room.

“You’re nothing but a toy. Be a toy,” her voice was stern, but with the slightest hint of mischievous lust, something husky and playful under the strict edge.

Her hand brushed his shoulder, feeling the comfortable knit of his light blue t-shirt, thin fabric over warm. spare flesh. Outside, the midday weekend sun poured through the gap in the curtain. Her other hand held a warm mug of milky tea, bitter and soothing as her fingers spidered down his back until she grabbed a handful of shirt hem, tugging it up,  so she exposed his stomach. She saw the slight ripple as his abs contracted and then relaxed, reacting to the proximity of her hand.

His belly had a light covering of hair that she caressed and then down, over the bronze buckle of his belt and the front fastening of his jeans. He shifted just enough to hint he noticed what she was doing, but kept his gaze fixed where she’d put him, while the seam and tuck of his jeans encouraged her to stroke her hand over his crotch, and then, spurred by her own desire, to continue to rub and touch. She knew how the fabric felt against his cock, defusing but transmitting the pressure. His reaction was the start of a swelling, and an almost imperceptible rock forwards, seeking more teasing. Sadistically, that made her stop, keeping control as she set her tea aside.

Reaching up, the tips of her fingers touched his lips. He had a full mouth, sensual and often pulled into a vulnerable pout. Now, the tips of two of her fingers slid inside, where his breath was warm and the skin was wet, past his teeth. His eyes blinked slowly, forcing himself to keep containing his reaction as she penetrated him.

“That’s a good toy. You do only what you’re posed to do. You’re just here for me to enjoy.”

And so he stayed, standing with his legs slightly apart and his arms relaxed. She began to strip him further, properly now, peeling off his t-shirt and then prying at the belt. Half limp, he let her haul his arms up with the passage of the shirt until she finished removing it, and his arms fell back into position. His chest was like his belly, male furred, but not a dark thicket, nipples a temporary distraction for her fingers before she returned to undoing his pants.

The cotton knit of his underpants was black, fitted  but cut longer in the leg. The fabric had stretched where his half erect cock was outlined, poking up and towards the right. She let his pants slide down to his ankles and then tucked her fingers into the wide elastic band that held his boxer-briefs up, making the reveal slow, first the root of his cock, and then, inch by inch, everything else until they were on the floor in a pool of fabric with his pants. He had slender, straight legs, long boned, balanced with a swell of lean muscle at the thigh and calf, narrow hipped and waisted.

His bare flesh asked for her nails, fingers hooking and dragging, leaving red streaks pulled in sets like plow marks. She reached for him pulling him so she held a handful of his hair and kissed his lips, a slight twitch as he instinctively sought to return the contact and checked himself.

“No, you’re a toy. Nothing but a fuck doll for me to play with.” She pinched him, just because she could, to remind him he was helpless, and went back to exploring his body. One hand wrapped the shaft of his cock, jerking, the other reaching around to cup his butt. Square and firm, small. Her fingers found the split, digging in, seeking and making him wonder if he’d have to submit to another kind of penetration, but then her attention moved elsewhere and she pushed him, to pose him over the coffee table.

A hairbrush was the first thing her gaze lighted on. He was propped on the wood, stiff like a ken doll, but aware of what was coming, when first her palm smacked into his ass and then the flat back of the wooden brush.

He made a noise and her hand circled his cock again. “Shhhhh…”

She didn’t make it a prolonged spanking, but she coloured him, pink, blushing almost red, angling for a reaction. He made a few noises and she saw him twitch, but never fully flinch. She smiled, wide, although he could not see, and began to massage her handiwork, before setting him upright again.

He played along with lurching steps when she pushed him towards the couch, but was unable to contain a groan as her teasing resumed, gentle fast friction just taking him to the edge, with the harsh admission, “Don’t you dare come.”

She giggled at his disappointment, rubbing her clothed body against the warm smoothness of his nudity. He felt the rasp of her sweater and the softness underneath, wishing that he could simply slide his hands up under her skirt and make her want to squirm just as much as he was feeling.

But, instead, she straddled his lap, grinding against him. “That’s a good fuck-doll.”

Everything felt better and more sensitized when she craved sex. She knew it showwed on her, just as it was writ onto his face in the way his lips were just slightly parted and his eyes half lidded. She did not undress, except to slide her panties down under her skirt, kicking the black little scrap of lace and elastic somewhere off to the side before she mounted him.

He felt the sheath of her, enveloping him, hot and wet. It was almost too much, but she was experienced enough to know to wait, hilted on him, for those important seconds it took him to scramble for self control.

“You know I come better with something inside me,” the skirt was hiked up, her hands going to her clit. “Just like fucking a dildo only better. But… don’t you dare break until I’ve come.”

When she masturbated, he could feel the reactions in her body, on top of him and engulfing him. She took her time, teasing herself as well by riding him for a few strokes, just until he was edged again and had to break character to beg her to stop.

“Uh-uh, you should control yourself better.” The same mischief that drove most of her sadistic impulses made her curl the muscles inside herself in two pulses.

“If you do that, Miss, I don’t…”

“You want to be my good toy?”

“Yes, Miss,” he whimpered. “But Miss…”

“Shhhhh…” Her fingers went back to her clit, pressing as her breath caught in her throat. Her eyes closed, just as she caught a glance of desperate anticipation from beneath her.

“Nnnngh!” The orgasm was a body jolt, roughly reached, like a vessel finally overfilling or something under pressure finally giving way. She gave three raggedy gasps before she could focus again, and saw his look of desperation.

“Well, I’m done, time to clean up my toy and put him away.” She grinned, face blushed with afterglow. “Right?”

“Miss!”

—

I wanted to try to capture some of the feelings of power of playing with a male body that’s entirely at your mercy, and make sure I kept at the erotica writing. “She Strips her Toy” is very much drawn from life, although it does not touch on a specific session and you can decide what is (auto)biographical and what is embellishment.

The post Friday Femdom Fiction: She Strips Her Toy and Plays With Him appeared first on O Miss Pearl.

I encountered a really tough problem recently on reddit:

My sub’s ingratitude is destroying our relationship. I took him under my wing. When I met him, he was another college drop-out with no body to speak of. Thanks to my guidance, he now has a good job, goes to gym regularly and looks his best.

Now life’s going well, suddenly I’m too controlling? He wants to challenge my rules? Rules we both agreed on BTW.

He was always shy about his fantasies. I kept at him until he opened up. He didn’t know how to apply them. As usual, I took over. I taught him how to service me. I tied him up and played with him until he was a quivering pile of ecstasy. I taught him all about the prostate and gave him the best orgasms possible. And he loved every minute.

So how does he repay me? He starts safe-wording nearly every time we play. He suddenly wants to renegotiate scenes. He says he doesn’t like some of the stuff we do. He says used to go along with it because he was scared of disappointing me. That’s crap. He loved it – he wouldn’t get off if he didn’t.

Why is he testing me like this? And how do I remind this boy exactly which of us is in charge?

“Why won’t he submit the way he used to?”

Ouch, that’s one sad femdom! This one resonated with me, because it’s close to a bunch of problems I had to tackle. I don’t think the problem is precisely ingratitude, but nevertheless, it’s a nasty situation to find yourself in as a dom.

Reddit mostly attacked her attitude as not taking her sub’s limits seriously enough, but it’s really hard to deal with someone whose kink limits evolve within a relationship or someone who is not consistently on board with what you want. It’s also very frustrating as a dominant, to have the urge for control stifled by someone being more interested in their fetishes and the parameters they want them expressed under, than in supporting your sense of control, while trying to balance that with your own need to meet and respect whatever limits a person asks for.

And it can be hard when you a have an expectation to push through and reach someone and do the hard work of making judgement calls for both of you, and then sometimes they need you to do that and sometimes they don’t. However…

You can’t use investment in someone as a reason why they have to listen to you, which is a first place where the dom in question has gone wrong. You also can’t trust people who rely on someone else shoving them in the right direction to be 100% honest or to be good at communicating their comfort levels. It sort of goes with the territory of excessive passivity.

Unfortunately a lot of subs getting into relationships, think that they have to do absolutely everything, even stuff that damages them. This is a particular problem a lot of male subs get because of their perception of femdom scarcity.  When I started seeing Wildcard, one of the things he was ready to do was try to become a super masochist/no limits sub at the expense of his own happiness. It would have been very easy for me to go along with this, and chances are, just having me would make it seem like he was enjoying things. However, as a good dom, or even as a good partner, I have to pay attention to what he wants and what he can handle.

And even when someone does get off on it,  in the personal example of my Ex, he really did seem to enjoy more than he wanted to consent to- but you know what? That lack of ability to consent without motivation was a good reason to never, ever do it. My Ex might have loved all sorts of degrading things- forced bi, being used and slapped around, but only the threat of a breakup (as in I would seriously convey the lack of kink was a deal breaker and he’d turn around and try to prove I was wrong that he wasn’t kinky in the way I was) or being sozzled would make him interested in initiating. And for that reason, it was simply no-go. No free consent, no fun. That’s non-negotiable for the same reason safewords are sacrosanct.

But the challenge, as a dom, is that most of us want our sub to want it, at least on some level, and fear of losing us is not good enough. We manage that some of our fantasies would be otherwise crazy or monstrous by a strict focus on the fact that our subs and bottoms want it as badly as we do. To discover that something we had been led to understand was above board was being coerced is very deflating.

Now as far as gratitude…

I know Wildcard is often grateful to me. Many of my partners end up having ‘gratitude’ on their list of feelings about Pearl, and is probable a result of my caretaking thing, and specifically seeking out relationships where I get to feel all useful. That does not, however mean that it’s going to work to be ‘bought’ with kink out of gratitude. In the case of the sub who is trying to change the rules on their dom, it seems like someone who was love starved and desperate for a relationship decided to go along with the fetishes in question until they no longer had the same intense need.. Now, more stabilized, he’s backpedalling. That really, really hurts. I have a lot of sympathy- there’s few more shitty feelings as a dom than that sort of fundamental rejection.

But the problem is not that he has lost his way and will go back to being as he was before, the problem is that, given a safe nurturing environment, he’s blossoming into who he really is (or had the potential to be) and that was not as advertised when he started- possibly because he never had the space to become that person. I can predict (and I bet I’m really accurate) that the dom in question put a lot of emphasis on how she was there to look after her sub and quite likely this was one of the first times he felt loved and safe and understood. In return, our hapless dom made herself into his caretaker and got to feel powerful and responsible in return.

But, now that he’s feeling safe and secure, he’s started to assert himself and that’s breaking her power dynamic. I talked about the problems before, of dominants, particularly female ones, getting sucked into the darker side of caretaking, but I think it’s ground worth covering again.

Being someone’s caretaker is one of the ways that lets you pull rank, and indeed in a lot of power imbalances often emphasize how the people on top are simply looking out for the folks down below- I think it’s a basic human urge. But caretaking, while it can be an inherently pleasurable thing, is an unreliable source or foundation for D/s. To be precise either

A) The person you are looking after will never improve and manufacture a non-stop stream of drama that may eventually eclipse your needs, for example turning into codependency

or

B) The person will get better and take your power way.

Caretaking is part of my emotional satisfaction with Wildcard, but part of making it work in a sustained fashion is that at the end of the day he’s pretty darn self reliant- kind of like the adage that a sub needs to have control of themselves before they can give it to someone else. And I still fuck this up sometimes and end up being the sniffly one getting hugs. (Reader beware, Miss Pearl speaks as a person doing stuff, not a professional relationship therapist)

I think our poor dom has poured a lot of her self worth into being the leader who can override a more fragile partner and steer him into the right path. I don’t think she wants a dynamic based on being actual equals or has done much thinking in that direction. On the other hand, the basic inequality the relationship has made one thing get completely ignored: her needs and wants for their own sake.

Caretaking works for a lot of people because it removes the powerless feeling of being “needy”. If you’re busy meeting someone else’s needs, you can feel completely and utterly in control without feeling remotely guilty about wanting power, and incidentally get various and sundry needs of your own met as long as they are justified as being for the good of the subject being looked after.

I wager, without much worry of being wrong, that the author of the comment put a lot of effort into making a safe space for her submissive. He probably spent the last little while being reassured up and down that she was here for him, that D/s was about loving your sub, and that she was here for him. What has essentially happened is that he took her on her word- given every reason to feel safe and secure, said person is now expressing themselves with the assumption that dominance means being catered to and that this is what their partners need.

What I bet the poster did not tell her sub was that the particular ways that she taught him to do D/s lines bang on with her kinks and she wasn’t interested in being his personal professional dom. And where the sub said he initially consented to stuff out of fear of disappointing her- boy howdy was he bang on the money to what she is feeling now that he’s informed her these activities aren’t what he wanted at all.

A huge part of the problem going on is that the commentator thinks she made a deal with a kindred spirit (who wanted to do all those kinks) and has very hurt feelings to be told she’s a burden. It’s a double whammy- she’s lost the sense of power from being queen of the fun sexings (note also her emphasis on how she taught him to have better sex), and now she’s gone from being able to dole stuff out and not think about what she wants to suddenly having to negotiate, and wheedle and even deal with the fact that her sub has basically said they lied to her out of the insecurity of either losing her or implied that she is irrational enough that her hurt feelings at not getting what she wanted are something he needed to protect himself from.

Unfortunately this is one of those scenarios where the dom with the problem is going to have to do some soul searching. She’s not here to service top, and unless the sub is functionally useless, she’s not going to be able to draw power indefinitely from the imbalance. She needs to decided what she will and will not tolerate, but more than anything else she has to do the hard thing of deciding how much she cares about her own needs.

For me, to a certain point, I need to have my personal kinks addressed, and no amount of love can change that it’s my sexuality. I know I can be reasonable (eg not breaking up if they have an off week) and address and enjoy people’s tastes outside my core set. But I’m a dominant sadomasochist, and those aspects of my sexuality are also key to feeling emotionally valued. And that includes needing to feel like my kinks are also something they like- as irrational as it is, someone doing it out of a sense of duty makes me feel like an icky rapist.

So functionally, what the dom needs to address is that she did what she did for the good jfeelings of power, and that this is her need and not about him. That’s pretty important, as far as attempting to get what she wants- I can’t promise that she will have her partner find a compromise, but she has to accept and deal with the fact that she is allowed to be deeply disappointed with her partner, but also that the scenario she set up and negotiated her relationship in was temporary, before she can more forward.

The post When Kink Limits Change & More Caretaking Challenges appeared first on O Miss Pearl.

So I was recently reading the advice of the blogger Cara Sutra, on the difference between professional and lifestyle dominants. And I’m sorry, she got it wrong. Cara is an experienced and award winning sex journalist and I have nothing personally against her, but this post is rife with errors and the sort of general misinformation that is not helping anyone.

As far as what she said, initially she wasn’t too bad: one of them charges by the hour and the other one doesn’t. No big deal, right? Then she got into more detail and things went tits up.

There is a world of difference between a talented Dominant who is financially recompensed for her time and talents, and a sex worker who chooses to incorporate bondage and corporal punishment into the services she offers. Too many people make the mistake of assuming that the two are one and the same.

Professional Dommes are not prostitutes. Any remuneration is for her Domination skills and expertise, not for sexual contact or sex acts. Sexual contact will not be a part of any session with any Professional Dominatrix worth her salt.

No, not really- this has a problem in that it’s trying to distance the penis touchers from the people who just do hit & bossy while not considering the broader context of the differences. There are reasons why this makes sense (much like the efforts to convey that in strip clubs, there isn’t usually sex in the champagne room) but it’s a problem, which I will explain.

Sex worker is a broad continuum of people in a diverse industry, and includes everyone from porn performers to street walkers, but prodoms are part of that club. Like all people, professional dominants have their own personal comfort points and limits, but this is one of those things that’s more on a spectrum and heavily determined by your local vice laws. While professional dominants obviously focus on D/s and generally don’t do vanilla sex acts with clients (and get fed up with being offered an extra $20 for a happy ending), many also limit themselves to specific BDSM related things, for example no strapons or otherwise sexually touching the guy based either on what the local laws allow or what they feel is okay, VS professionals who are happy to snap on a glove and edge or finger clients.

But by trying to protect professionals from being asked to do things they are not comfortable with, Cara Sutra is perpetuating the idea that mixing sexual stuff with your D/s is bad, and that this is all about dom skill, when in practice, fucking your subs doesn’t make you less dominant. This is a particular sort of snobbery born out of frustration- when it comes to the pros I feel like a lot of the women with this attitude are pulling rank because claiming you are more dominant this way sounds better than explaining that the average client doesn’t get you horny, you don’t need that kind of risk in your life or that you have enough problems with the legality of your profession as it is.

But then Cara Sutra talks about lifestyle, which is where I fall, and she hits one of my pet peeves.

That is not to say that Lifestyle Domination equals “getting it for free”. The nature of FemDom shows that submissives would do well to recognise the value of their Mistress and show their appreciation of her time once accepted into her service. Not merely through obedience and submission, but regular gifts should at least be offered. If nothing else, it’s good manners and part of BDSM scene etiquette.

No. No. No. Arrgh, Fuck no. This taken for granted male sub loot grab is a marker of what I call “grey area prodoms”. These people bill themselves as ‘lifestyle’, but it’s said with palm extended, because as the reasoning goes, doms are scarce, so they decide they are worth it. It’s kink plus extras, right?

Look, I don’t care if you, in your own personal dynamic, give gifts to your lover- there are many ways to express affection. And yes, findom is a valid fetish. However, just being dominant and a woman in no way means I deserve to be compensated for my interactions with the opposite sex. Seriously, nobody tells lesbian subs to get out their wallets if they really want to show their appreciation. A male dom asking for prezzies would probably get laughed out of the dungeon. But somehow having tits and a desire to dominate means that male subs should presume gratitude by default. This is a problem because:

1. It’s rife with exploitation, with newbie subs getting fleeced for trying to explore their kinks.
2. It perpetuates the idea that a femdom is a service provider filling the male sub’s fantasy, rather than two or more equals coming together to do power exchange and kink for mutual satisfaction.
3. It teaches malesubs they are worthless and opens them up to all sorts of abuse.

In discussion about this, a couple of times, the conversation has turned to the subject of how if he’s not gifting me, he’s exchanging something else, right? Like service! Like how femdom also assumes in a way that femsub doesn’t, that the sub has to bribe me for being willing to play along somehow.

Talk about being alienated from your own sexuality! While some of us are only doing it for the warm and fuzzies emotionally, I do this because it makes my cunt feel good, and I am in the majority of kinksters, not the minority. Look, seriously, this is not a rare gift I was given to play out on an audience of deserving men, this is what the fetish fairy handed me when the kinks were being given out.

When I spank Wildcard, it’s not because Wildcard drapes me in diamonds or folded all my laundry – the only compensation is his upturned ass, his willing and enthusiastic consent and his arousal. When I beat the shit out of my friend at a play party and he’s in tears, he doesn’t buy me dinner for the grace of getting a unicorn to kick him in the balls- getting to do that to him is as much a privilege as a dominant as it is a privilege as a sub to be doubled over clutching his candy. Because you know what? Without a partner, my dominance is just me, my hand and my fantasies in ForeverAloneVille. Just like a partnerless sub.

You could argue that if Wildcard walked under a bus (god forbid), the demand for femdoms is such that I could find a male sub, but the reality is that while there are certainly more men apparently identifying as male subs, he’s kinda irreplaceable. Much like how Dee over at Dumb Domme wouldn’t be so ripped up about her boy having to move, or Ferns of Domme Chronicles would not be on such a lengthy search if a good partner was something female dominants really could take for granted.

Cara Sutra is selling the idea that rather than being an inherently good match, you should expect to jump through thirty kinds of hoops, backwards with a wad of cash in your mouth. But really, this sort of blurring of lifestyle VS pro also pops up again in her advice to femdoms on how to decide which role suits you.

A good answer to the question of lifestyle VS pro is that the latter are sex workers, so you shouldn’t do it unless you are prepared to be a small business owner/independent contractor in a marginalized industry. Easy, right? Let’s see what Cara Sutra says:

Knowing whether you are a Professional or Lifestyle Mistress, or a submissive drawn to Professional or Lifestyle Domination, comes down to a number of factors. These include your understanding of and attitude to your own kink as well as your personal life circumstances.

For instance, you may be a woman with no desire to manage a submissive outside of a set session, or a submissive who cannot commit time beyond a session to serve a Mistress on a more day to day basis. Professional Domination would suit both of these cases.

Hmm… uh, I guess people who aren’t 24/7 don’t exist? I’m really surprised someone with Cara Sutra’s background appears to literally not know what the fuck she is talking about. If you don’t want to do D/s outside of defined ‘scenes’ you should go pro? Reeeeally. How did we go from “pro doms are skilled professionals” to this being the better option for women doing short haul D/s?

I really hope this is a typo, but again, it’s not really good advice to male subs that if they are not into round the clock D/s (eg bedroom only) a prodom is a better choice for them either.

Then she talks about some of the challenges of trying to figure out your orientation and spits out this gem:

In order to reduce the chance of psychological, emotional and sometimes even physical hurt, it is important to determine your orientation and Domination needs as early in your kink journey as possible. Investing time and emotion into a Dominant/submissive bond which does not combine the right facets for one or both people involved is a painful event which can potentially take years to heal.

Thoughtlessly experimenting with D/s relationships is no less hurtful than toying with a person’s emotions in vanilla relationships. Ensuring you are both on the same page will mean you’re doing your best to guard against any loss of interest, feeling neglected, getting hurt or hurting someone who is investing time and emotion in you.

I’m not entirely sure what this had to do with deciding if sex work is for you, but it’s still silly. it sounds nice and considerate- after all, relationship failures suck! It’s even the subject of my last blog post, where a couple discovered they had to renegotiate their relationship after it was already established. But you know what? That’s not the same thing as being a shitty partner, that’s a normal part of human sexuality.

I don’t know how you could get physically hurt by, in effect, breaking up with someone, but if you do, you are doing something wrong. Realistically, you generally need to try stuff to confirm you like it, and claiming testing this stuff and being wrong is the equivalent of being intentionally emotionally manipulative is unreasonable.

Assuming you are a new male sub or female dom reading this, or just someone curious about some kink ideas they have, Cara Sutra’s blog post is going to actively spread misinformation. Not only does it encourage taking up being a prodom without any sort of realistic look into what that involves, but it gives a very skewwed idea of what is okay behaviour in a non-professional relationship, as well as putting way, way too much weight on getting your feelings hurt.

It’s shit like this that lowers the quality expectations for women trying to make a living doing this, while discouraging women who are personally into it from indulging their curiosity and for male subs to lead with a huge pile of promises and presents that get in the way of getting to know the guy, while reflecting the deep shame he feels for being saddled with a kink that gets treated like a burden. It’s also stuff like this why I wrote things like “why I make a big deal out of not being a pro femdom“, and part of why it took me until my early twenties before I was confident enough to call myself a dominant.

The post Lifestyle VS Pro and The Male Sub Loot Grab appeared first on O Miss Pearl.

He felt utterly helpless. Her hands went where they wanted, along his side, across his thigh, to his hip. She let one linger on his throat, index finger and thumb pinching, scary as she slid just the tips of two fingers past his lips, penetrating him and showing him he didn’t even have the choice to bite.

When her hand stroked over his groin, he murmured a vulnerable protest. “No…”

So yeah, about rape fantasies, both having them and playing them out…

It’s “Adult Sex Education Month” and blogger Gracie, of Sex Kitten.net, suggested that I tackle the often controversial topic of rape fantasies and the people that have them. Fair’s fair, while I’m not a professional sex educator, this think is my shtick. My story, Catamite, for example, is fairly intense non-con and my personal life certainly swings in that direction.

If you aren’t living under a rock, you’ve probably heard the term “rape fantasy“. In brief, that’s arousal from imagining a sexual scenario that is coerced or conducted without consent of the victim. That could mean anything from fantasies of violent and entirely otherwise unpleasant sex, through to the token resistance school of sex popularly attributed to romance novels, where one participant protests at first but then begins to enjoy it.

Needless to say, despite being very, very common, rape fantasies are a very sensitive topic, because they often shade into things that squick people or carry big, well deserved trigger warnings. They also end up being a source of argument when it comes to talking about sexual desire and what people really want in bed.  Rape is considered, by most people, to be one of the most vile things you can do to a human, but some people have a certain degree of confusion on what is and isn’t okay (and some very weird gender theories) based on the sheer common to the point of banality rate that people have consent violation fantasies. The result is a whole bunch of other terms and euphemisms to talk about it- ravishment and consensual non-consent being popular ways to distance the product of one’s sexual imagination from real sexual assault.

That being said, a sexual assault is simply not the same thing as a rape fantasy, and making the distinction is only worth token acknowledgement. I’m going to flat out say that nobody wants to actually be sexually assaulted no matter how elaborate and violent their fantasies are- now there might be a few self harming weirdoes out there who will talk about how they want it to be real, but it’s not a statistically significant amount. And speaking about someone who’s both experienced sexual assault and done this sort of thing as play, there is an overwhelming world of difference of how you feel around the real thing and a comfortable expression of sexuality with your partner. Kind of like stick fighting in a LARP and actually getting into a war are different. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, more on how people experience them after the jump…

As I touched on earlier, rape fantasies range from attempting to simulate as close to the experience of sexual violation as the participants are comfortable with, to what amounts to rough and vigorous sex with a partner who doesn’t have to give much input during the act.

It’s worth noting that this sort of thing is why BDSM commonly uses a safeword. This trick is one of the most useful tools for people trying to bring fantasies to life without worrying about a real violation of consent. This word, usually something that would never come up in a typical sexual context (eg ‘Potato’), exists primarily to have something that means a real ‘no’, when someone wants the ability to express distress, protest or discomfort without a concerned and responsible top needing to stop.

(By the way, my go to safeword is “Safeword” and for public scenarios, “My foot is itchy” or “I’m cold” respectively.)

But everyone’s fantasy is different, which means loads of different ways of handling things. for example a rape fantasy might be described any of these ways:

Reluctant Only – People with ‘reluctant’ fantasies like being able to resist or fight back, but while they want to be coerced via whatever level of force they find arousing, they also want it to have a happy ending. Basically it’s “No, no a thousand times…. ohhh! Yes!”

Scripted Stories - Some people have a particular scenario they want to play out, for example roleplaying a house breaking assault or wanting to have their clothing ‘forcibly’ ripped off. The hows and whys are generally pretty ridged, and when they are active with a partner and what activities are okay.

Dominent’s Discretion - some couples, with a certain degree of trust, may give one partner blanket permission to have sex with them at a time of their choosing. Often the source of arousal is also in the anticipation- they like playing with the idea of having no choice.

Trying to Explain Rape Fantasies

The whys are a lot harder to explain than the hows, when it comes to a rape fantasy. Much  of this is because the human brain is still on the forefront of research, and also the inherent complexity of trying to measure the subjective human experience with itself. I’m also usually not a big fan of trying to pinpoint kinks to a set source, but for what it’s worth…

Removal of guilt – a popular theory that was developed, particularly among the bodice ripper school of rape fantasy, was that making it rape is a person’s way of violating other sexual taboos they may have internalized, such as not seeming to be promiscuous but having easy sex, participating in other situations that might otherwise carry the stigma of being slutty, and so on.

However the same surveys that discovered a high rate of these fantasies found that women who had these fantasies tended to be less focused on guilt and more sexually permissive. I was unable to find much data about the psychology of men in this context. This one also doesn’t really address people with more violent fantasies who aren’t looking for otherwise ordinary sexual activity.

On the other hand, ‘force’ has long been used to put fictional characters in compromising situations, which brings me to another theory,

Emotional drama – high intensity emotions are a breeding ground for high intensity chemistry. Much how most romance novels will also include things like conflict and adventure to increase the excitement of the plot, a rape fantasy could be an extension of this.

Certainly fictional sexuality is often imbued with all sorts of frankly insane levels of aggression in general. these are all things most of us would never tolerate in real life, however humans are simple creatures with a limited range of emotional expression.

Contextual fetish – a lot of fetishes are loosely related to something the person considers otherwise sexual or present during sex. If popular media is forever equating sex with violence it’s hardly surprising if this is a re-enforced idea. More depressingly, given the omnipresent risks involved with navigating whether or not other people will respect your consent while pursuing sex, it doesn’t feel an excessive stretch to say that there’s not too far of a bridge for many people

None of these reasons are because a person really wants to be raped or because men are supposed to be aggressive or any such rot. No, really, and if you believe that, you probably aren’t ready to have sex with other people yet.

That being addressed, onto a topic I don’t feel gets enough attention. The men!

Male Rape Fantasies

Surprisingly, although there is research into the subject matter, not a lot of ink gets spilled about men being fantasy victims. Meanwhile, during the same period that people were happily trying to map out what happens in women upstairs to get the downstairs excited- a study in the eighties suggested that around 45% of (straight) men had fantasies of forced sexual contact by a woman, to one degree or another.

Addressing this is important because another personal hobby horse of mine is that you can’t rape men, either because they are perpetually willing or because rape is limited to things that require co-operative man parts (which incidentally, is also invalid- sexual response varies and an erection is not consent).

The thing about male sexuality is that it is not, physiologically, all that different from female sexuality. Humans of both sexes have bodily autonomy and male fantasies get expressed in a broad and complex ways.

That established, if you ever want to act out a rape fantasy, clear communication is very, very important- if you can’t talk about your desire this is what might happen:

The post A General Introduction To Rape Fantasies appeared first on O Miss Pearl.

There’s a blog meme running around right now, which is essentially a big list of writing prompts called “30 days of kink”. It seems to originate over at Queerkink, but Rayne of Insatiable Desire has the complete list right here.

So, why the heck not? I’ll give it a shot!

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch?  What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

Day 2: List your kinks.

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience?  If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had.  If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you?  Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink?  If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves?  If so, what are they?

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life?  If so, what are they?

Day 20:  Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy?  How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed?  How so?

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play?  What significance does your attire have to you?

Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)?  What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

The post 30 Days of Kink: Me Too! appeared first on O Miss Pearl.

Because the 30 days of kink meme was created for tumblr I’m going to do my 30 days with several days to a post.

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch?  What parts of BDSM interest you?  Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

I am a dominant sadomasochist. I am interested in power exchange relationships, and a general miscellaneous range of impact play, con-non-con, bondage, and so on. I consider myself a broken switch, in that I am into a full range of physical and rough play, but the psychological aspects of submission provide no fulfillment or attraction to me.

I think BDSM is a catch all term for a collection of commonly clustered kinks that focus on power imbalances, vulnerability and sensations that would often be considered unpleasant or painful and worth avoiding. How a particular person expresses these is going to vary wildly. As a dom (for me I don’t like ‘domme’), I am more interested in obedience and control than receiving acts of service in the stereotypical domestic fashion.

For example, I will get off on the idea of forcing a guy to edge himself repeatedly and beg me to come, but I will be less enthusiastic about him cleaning my floor.

Day 2: List your kinks.

Gosh, that might be long because I find I can get into many things if they are presented properly, and my 30 days of kink would just have to be devoted to listing anything I tangentially enjoy. Some of the stuff I like includes: Bondage, acts of sadism and masochism, puppeting someone’s body (eg. mind control), male foot gear, slenderness and gauntness (as in unhealthily underweight too), people being sick, states of extreme vulnerability, cold, captivity, hurt-comfort, uniforms, well dressed men, playing sexy spy/diplomat games, insertions, body compression and/or corseting, appearance modifications, dollification, giving a guy head… I think there’s a separate writing project based on doing a porn story for each of my kinks.

It gets more complicated when I try to consider things in terms of sexy ideas (tropes I find fun), things I masturbate to and sensation play that doesn’t come up in fantasy. For example I get sexually aroused from being on the receiving end or dishing out acts of sadism, but my private point of orgasm tends to focus on the intense vulnerability of non-con sex. Thus I don’t typically *think* of beating my partners during private masturbation time, but I’ll get wet doing it or watching a well done flogging scene in a movie and so on. And I’ve never enjoyed spanking porn (in large part because of the framing), but I like the act itself. Meanwhile some things are sexy ideas if I read them in stories and play out with other people- for example I like starting from a position of intense vulnerability and manipulating things to my own ends in games.

Which I think is a pretty important point about sexuality and uh… there lacks a word for it, but one’s emotional orientation and sense of what is romantic. With Wildcard, pre-bedroom foreplay is often either fighty (not in the yelling over housework kind but in the teasing playfighting tension) or in pursuit of his vulnerability, erotic interest and submission. In actual sex, there’s either the range of whap-whack-bind, or there’s particular ways I like to touch and be touched.

Meanwhile, when I’m writing porn… uh erotica, for me its fairly important to try to capture that visceral aspect similar to what I get before orgasm, as a sort of oomph, and the build up. I also tend to get side tracked into enjoying the emotional attitudes that underpin things, and for me, the sexy because it’s not sexy real mental tangents and contrasts people get.

The post 30 days of kink: Day 1 & 2 – Who are you anyway and what do you like? appeared first on O Miss Pearl.

Once again I’m doing 30 days of kink in a multi-day jam together.

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

The question here is not as much how I discovered kink as much as that learned I was part of a sexual minority of any kind, or what the words for my kinks was.

Initially, this was just my sexuality (or proto sexuality) and because of the relative weirdness of my family background I didn’t think vanilla was the default or that it was abnormal to want to playfully tie someone up or like stories where people lost their clothing or were held captive. BDSM was just part of sex-ed, which is to say the basic vocabulary and safety advice. None of my early exploration with other partners indicated that people were by default, vanilla, just that everyone has stuff they will and will not do and that isn’t always what you’d like.

Co,ing to terms with the fact that ‘femdom’ was the word that best described me was a more lengthy process.

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

Pre-school me had an imaginary friend who was always getting beaten up and having his clothing stolen. I was as much enamoured with Disney’s Sleeping Beauty for the scenes with the chained up/captive prince and I was happy to read books on the middle ages with their inevitable explanation of the dungeon/ransoming system or play games involving Trolls who wanted to capture people. I was obsessed with a comic series called Elf Quest probably because of a wicked witch style character called Winnowill.

I’ve talked about this before, but suffice to say, it was pretty easy to pick out that I was excessively fixated on certain dynamics.

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience?  If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

Tie up and capture games with other children escalated, as puberty rolled through, into light kink with highschool boyfriends and enthusiastic cyber roleplay with stranger on the internet, probably also pretending to be 18 at the same time as me. This is not to say that I was running round owning slaves from day one, but that kink was just always there.

The post 30 days of kink: Days 3, 4 & 5 Okay, how did you get started in the kink stuff? appeared first on O Miss Pearl.

While BDSM forums often provide a great way to talk to other kinky people and get a reality check or a sympathetic ear to your kinky interests and queries, you know you have encountered these conversations before. Whether it’s fetlife, /r/BDSMcommunity, the bright young things on 4chan’s d board, an international non-english community, or some other hidden pocket of kinky folk, everyone’s participated in them at least once and many of these are not inherently terrible until you’ve discussed them for the fifth or sixth time.

1. Why are all the sub men entitled perverts/the dom women money grubbing scammers? Also:There are no dominant women in my large metropolitan area who are not professionals. Where do the REAL femdom enthusiasts hang out and why do they seem to find that attitude repulsive?
2. Please validate that my status as a submissive means that I should be mad at my dom for failing to bend over backwards and give me what I wanted because my inherently fragile submissive self will asplode if I don’t get a bedtime story/symbolic reassurance on demand/fetish activity whenever I want.
3. My LDR & internet only partner just ghosted. I am incredibly torn up that I no longer have an emotionally intense skype relationship with someone so many timezones away they may actually be sleeping.
4. Feminism is making it hard to live as a submissive woman. A movement largely built on respecting the free choice of one gender to live as the choose is clearly preventing me from expressing myself because it stops other women from being subjugated and ruins my natural order fantasies because I think that somehow people turning a blind eye to abusive relationships is the same thing as consensual kink. Also I met a judgy feminist once who said mean things about housewives.
5. DAE think submissive men should automatically somehow compensate dominant women from interacting with them regardless of whether or not said woman is a sex worker or the kinks being explored are findom/service, because that’s just what all femdoms want?
6. Are you actually… allowed to be in love in a D/s relationship? Like, am I less of a dominant for not holding my sub away from me with detached firmness? I’m a bad sub for wishing the dom I’ve fallen in love with would love me back?
7. I am a submissive with knee problems. Does my inability to kneel mean that I am less of a sub, according to a rigidly defined framework with its origins in pornography?
8. Long, multi-thread discussion about gross misconduct and consent violations that fail to mention anyone, even by pseudonym and rely on whisper judgement, still falling into the trap of allowing serious illegality to be dismissed as “scene drama” while clinging to the value of the court of public opinion.
9. I just broke up with my first kinky partner and I can’t conceive of ever getting the sex I like again because this was so serendipitous. Do other kinky people exist or am I doomed to never know love like this again?
10. How do I deal with the fact that I am in a serious relationship with a vanilla person who doesn’t have any interest in anything to do with my sexuality, without breaking up with them or receiving any sort of compromise on their part? They may not know I’m kinked.
11. [Detail scant personal ad that's been inappropriately posted against forum rules (and probably posted in an international group to boot) to demonstrate naivety and complete lack of reading comprehension, because spamming is attractive]
12. Only the way I express my kinks is right. Let’s have a lengthy, tone deaf argument on why a particular choice of actions makes you a nutcase, insensitive to people who are not involved in your personal life in any way or a poseur who lacks a true kinky flair.
13. On second thought, let’s have a tone deaf, completely non-kinky discussion on some unpleasant issue like fat shaming, gender, why any modern progressive movement is icky and excessive, or someone’s pet conservative cause, enhanced by the fact that some poor person with serious mental health impairments is weighted equally and debated with the same vigour as someone with a less loose grip on reality.
14. My new explorations of kink are MAGICAL. I think I just came unicorns out my ears.

That’s my pet peeves, what are yours?

The post 14 Over Used Topics On BDSM Forums appeared first on O Miss Pearl.

30 days of kink continues with a look at some of the things that inspire us- fantasies, toys, pictures and songs.

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

I wish I had something and interesting and illustrative as Dumb Domme’s conveyor belt. Possibly for me the fantasies of being a man raping another man, rare though they were, would be the oddest from my perception of weird as I’m a happily cis woman who normally doesn’t really like male-on-male.

For me, one of the reasons I couldn’t pinpoint a most interesting fantasy is because there’s a lot of fantasies to choose from. As an excessively imaginative person and a purveyor of BDSM and femdom stories, I end up playing with as many themes and concepts as possible, often looking for ways to make a kink trope work for me. Which means that I also end up considering what I write about- from a personal basis- making something have an erotic zing is pretty key to hammering out readable erotica.

And, as a reaction junkie, it’s not necessarily always important to me what I’m doing. Since dating Wildcard, I’ve discovered that there’s a marked uptick in clothes-being-forcibly-removed fantasies. These were definitely present when I was younger, but I’ve imprinted really hard off his very vulnerable, real reactions when you take away his pants.

Day 7: What’s your favourite toy?

I’m partial to riding crops and silicone insertables. I also like male masturbation toys. You guys read my review of the Tenga egg- I like that sort of play as a couples activity, while impact play and sadism wise, I like crops and canes best to use, and I like the security of medical grade silicone. One too many toys with funny smells and tastes put me off of jelly, while I find metal and glass are not idiot proof and require a gentle hand because they have little natural give- not the best for a strapon, for example, which is the opposite of a tool of finesse. Seriously- it’s attached to your pelvis, it has no nerve endings and you can’t see what you’re doing. You might as well be operating a dildo on the back of your head.

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

Kinky imagery is a really subjective idea, because often what distinguishes the very kinky is that not everyone would necessarily find it erotic.

I’ve talked about the impact of Disney’s “Sleeping Beauty” before, as well as the inevitable illustrated children’s picture books about medieval castles that always seem to mention, at least in a footnote about dungeons or knights being held until their family pays the ransom (there’s a story out there I need to write based on that particular chivalric tradition).

Outside of that, I’m very partial to to some of the artwork of Avenier. Unfortunately, to avoid having their artwork borrowed and plastered about the web without attribution, they’ve made it so I can’t link to particular images.

That being said, if we’re referencing things that caught my eye, when I was in high school this ad got me to linger more than once on the magazine it was printed in.

These days we’re a lot more spoiled for imagery, but at the time, it was the sort of early 2000s naughtiness that suggested exactly the sort of deviance I wanted in my life.

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

This one is pretty difficult because it’s hard to find femdom imagery that doesn’t shade into being more about a vaguely gothy looking lady in knee boots and a corset who is supposed be intimidating in a more passive way- basically the need to signal “dominatrix” to make female aggression explicable. For example “She Wants Revenge” likes to play with this sort of imagery.

Where as completely forgettable band Phixx answers the question of what potential having a whole packaged boy band as your prisoner. I think, although the song is nothing exciting, it’s a good argument for what would happen if the people who specialize in pandering to female sexuality decided to make femdom porn.

The post 30 days of kink: days 6, 7, 8 & 9 Media sharing time! appeared first on O Miss Pearl.

A reader recently wrote in to ask about 24/7 submission, psychologically intense BDSM and how they can go about finding a partner who is into that idea.

Do you have any advice for someone who’s looking to become a slave to a woman permanently? I’ve been reading stories for a while but I don’t have any experience actually finding someone who might be into these kinds of things, and even tho I’m seeming upfront right now I’m actually quite shy. 

You seem like you know a lot about the psychological aspects of femdom in addition to the fleshly pleasures, so I was hoping you might be able to give me some advice on how to find someone who’s interested in owning a slave completely, not casually like on some personals sites, but complete power exchange and total mind and body fuckery with no going back. 

I gather that you yourself have experience in such things, and so my heart is hoping that you’ll be able to help me. I understand if not tho, and either way, keep on writing the awesome stories.

(Look 24/7 Submission)

Hello Looking For 24/7 Submission:

Gee thanks! I’m always glad to hear from a fan!

I’ve already written a lot of articles suggesting advice on how to find a female dominant in addition to my stories- but it sounds like what you’re looking for is advice on how to find a particular kind of relationship. I’ll see what I can do to help…

The thing about 24/7 power exchange is that you need to ease into it instead of expecting it to appear overnight like mushroom in a lawn or stumbling over a perfect dynamic ready made, and it takes a lot of work to sustain a dynamic like that from two different people. Meanwhile, asking for a heavily involved power exchange BDSM relationship is like asking for an intense and torrid vanilla love affair- it’s not just a matter of finding people who are into that, but building a life that works with what is an incredibly time consuming endeavour and finding someone who is into it who you also have incredible chemistry with- essentially its the difference between finding a girlfriend and finding  girlfriend who is into elaborate and absorbing love displays with fireworks and rose petals and poetry and crying and declarations of eternal passion.

Among many things, no relationship can really function in the long run if it doesn’t make allowances for the fact that you still need to interact with the outside world and that no matter how awesome your dominant is, in order to be able to consent you still need to be a functional adult which means you can never really let go of the other bits and pieces that make you a whole human, like your relationship with your family, or your hobbies and aesthetic preferences. This can be a bit of a let down if what you want is a self negation fantasy where you permanently lose yourself in the feeling of submission- sorry, that doesn’t really exist in a prolonged fashion and completely abandoning your identity to be someone’s sub makes for a very boring, very needy submissive. Rather, the people who make it work over the long haul tend to be the people to where there kinks are a very pleasant constant sense that their connection with their dominant is entwined into their day to day life.

I’m very loathe to tell subs to think about what they are going to bring into a relationship (because it all too often slides into telling male subs to open their wallets or to expect to pay for play with service), but going about embarking on something super intense is a good time to get introspective. First of all you need to ask yourself a few things:

1) Am I envisaging a particular scenario and particular kinds of play? A lot of people tend to presume that their partner’s default fetish menu will naturally match up with there’s. It’s all very well and good to set out to give yourself to another human being, but, for example if you were expecting to be a demeaned house slave kept in cuckolded chastity and she wants you to be her decorative stud who tops and fucks other men for her titillation, you may have a problem with the disconnect between what you want and being in a state of actual submission. How do you plan to handle that?

2) Do I have any existing experience what so ever trying this, or do I just think it sounds amazing? The engine behind a D/s relationship is the emotional and physical chemistry. That doesn’t just mean that someone gets your crank turned, but that you spark off each other well. On the other hand, a lot of people embark on kink expecting that they will automatically make the other person feel submissive or dominant, or that their particular desires will translate well where the rubber hits the road or, shall we say, where whip meets flesh. Easing slowly into things also helps deal with the learning process as you need to figure out each other’s submissive and dominant triggers.

While some people are gifted with an instant mutual attraction, BDSM relationships, like all relationships, are constructed out of love and love is a verb.You get into someone’s head psychologically by knowing them very well, and nobody is telepathic, and they continue to be able to get into your head because you let them in. Meanwhile the sneaky truth is that your dominant also needs you to think about their head state- a lot of the fetish activities we do, outside of the erotic nature of the sensations the create, are simply the door to psychological things.

3) How are you going to look after yourself and your other responsibilities, as well as your partner? In this fantasy, are you the kept (wo)man? Are you going to marry your dom? What do you do if the relationship breaks up? Humans live for a long time, so that’s decades of relationship and have to think about things like retirement savings plans and cholesterol levels. There is a dearth of independently wealthy dominants with pre-built basement dungeons, so how does this relationship fit into your life?

4) What do you do if it doesn’t work like you planned? It’s 2:00 PM on a hot Sunday afternoon and you have mild food poisoning and you just found out your father has cancer with an unknown prognosis. Your dominant wants you to put on a cam show and all you want to do is find a quiet place to sulk until you decide whether or not you are going to puke. Punishment, which you hoped would snap you out of your funk is just *annoying* on a visceral level that makes you want to snarl. Now what?

Or imagine this- Three years into a relationship with a dom of your dreams, a drunk driver hits her. Miraculously she survives, but with a brain injury- she has motor control problems on the left side of her body, persistent concentration problems that cause significant impairment and other lingering health issues that mean she doesn’t have the ability to be the sort of dom she used to, and indeed needs help with day to day functioning. Do you stay and help her or are you now a single sub?

Or possibly- After your mom’s stroke, someone needs to make medical choices for her. she’s contrary and difficult to deal with but you’re the designated next of kin. She definitely does not want your dom deciding a care plan for her and expects you to step up and make more time for her in her final few years. Does this break your dynamic?

But outside of the stuff you have to think about, finding a dom who is into psychological play and more prolonged D/s is something you’ll meet through the same ways you find a casual dom, and you’ll probably discover it through “casual” play. If you are less about the whipping and more about the feeling of submission, you can find people who are into that as well as long as you know what to ask for (for example that you are looking for rules and restrictions).

On the same line, something a lot of couples start with, particularly in femdom, is orgasm denial. This works because outside of poly scenarios, people’s sexual gratification tends to be personal/private so it doesn’t interfere with day to day living, and it’s directly tied to a non-dangerous but reliable need that has a straight forward connection with their sexuality. Other starter rules tend to focus on fetish-y type things for much the same reason and many people use tokens like collars as trainers.

Another phenomena that you need to honestly address is the “only submissive when aroused” thing. This gets used as a pejorative description, but it’s a valid form of sexual expression. If you’ve never done prolonged D/s you want to take a serious look at your kinks and decide whether the mundaneity of 24/7 is what you want or if you just get off on the intensity of the idea.

The other thing you’re going to have to come to terms with is dominant fallibility. A lot of BDSM fantasies are built on the dom having a stacked deck- their sexual allure, cleverness, emotional control and resources allow them to overcome the sub. This is a hot fantasy, but like the independently wealthy dungeon owner VS the dom-with-a-job, real life dominants are humans and power exchange works a lot better when you don’t need the dom on a pedestal for real. You can certainly like and admire them, but Wildcard still needs to be able to sub to be even after seeing me be sick, cry, scared of a horror TV show, fuck things up, be unreasonable, etc… If he needed me to be perfect I could probably fake it for a while but then I would simply explode into a pile of fail after a month or two from the strain, and that would be the end of that.

As far as ‘no going back’, there’s two ways that works. One of which is simply the long term impact any human relationship has on people or on association based training- for example learning to match one stimulus with a feeling through ongoing conditioning. The other sort of play I think you might be hinting at is generating a sense of risk, for example what people who roleplay or act out blackmail fantasies to have a sense of consequence for messing up.

Playing with ‘real’ forfeits is like playing sans safewords- it’s, to say the least, edgeplay for pretty much everyone and a hard limit for many people, among many things because of the legal impact on a dominant if the sub changes their mind (as well as the psychological effect on the dom, most of us having perfectly operational empathy).

Consequences need to take into account the consent of the people who may also be effected- for example its all every well and good to threaten to tell dark secrets to an employer, but the employer may not actually want to be that involved in your sex life. If you want to be forced you will need to think up something with your dom that you both like- for example holding your childhood plushie hostage (nooo, not Mr. Bunbear!) or making you pay massive forfeits for failure, like a punishment you genuinely hate (or be presumed to be ready to quit the relationship if you resist that).

Hope that gives you something to think about,

~Miss Pearl

PS. Looking for more writing on the subject of 24/7 submission? Check out Sex Geek, who actually teaches workshops on the subject here.

~o~o~o~

Got something to ask Miss Pearl? Hop over to the contact form and send me an email or write to me directly at: miss.pearl.chain@gmail.com

The post Reader Letter: Psychological BDSM & 24/7 Submission appeared first on O Miss Pearl.

Each stretch of road passed much like the last: pressed asphalt, road signs, trees, drainage ditches and painted marks in day glow. She yawned and adjusted the ear pieces of her glasses, looking away from the bright beaming sun ahead of them and over to her left, where he was driving them both at a steady pace that just nudged the speed limit. She liked to watch his hands on the steering wheel, from time to time reaching to shift gears with a short tug.

She swung her foot in a lazy crescent swoop that left her loose plastic shoe dangling from her toes, glanced at the surroundings again before making a decision. “You should find a place to pull over.”

That made him look away from the road completely, nervously checking for what calamity she was about to confess. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” She made a crooked smile, clarifying this was about her pleasure not her distress. “You need to pull over and take all your clothing off.”

“What?”

“Now. You have a reasonable legal expectation of privacy in your car. This is Canada.” She made her voice serious, cutting off any argument and pointed to help him focus despite suddenly frayed nerves, suggesting the turn off that had caught her eye. He signaled, switching lanes somewhat jerkily.

The car came to a stop in the shoulder, away from the main road but still within eyesight of it. He hesitated, the car idling until she told him to turn it off, and then got stuck again, unable to take the first motion to undress until she pulled his sunglasses from his face and repeated, “Everything off. Completely.”

The polo went first, his arms thrown up over his head, pulling and revealing his stomach. Stripped of his shirt, his torso was pale, blue vein traces marked along the top of his chest like a river delta. Awkwardly, trying not to lift his hips up past the line of the window, he undid his pants and inched them off his legs with his underwear until they got stuck on his shoes.

She laughed and took possession of everything in a bundle on her right side, wedged against the door against her hip. He kept glancing out the window towards the main road and behind them, hand touching his face, soothing away worry.

“Play with yourself.”

His lips were pulled thin with anxiety, but at her insistence, he began to cup and stroke his cock, eyes going heavy lidded. She could tell even before he began to touch himself he was excited.

“I bet you’re feeling that full body vulnerability, aren’t you? You don’t know what I’m going to do next or how long I’m going to keep you like this.”

His lip moved, but she shook her head, leaning in to say. “Don’t talk, just nod your head.”

“Mmm…”

Her fingers stroked up his bare arm, watching him coax himself fully thick, before she tugged his hand away. A car passed on the road near them and he flinched.

“Shhh..” She took over, touching the velvety soft skin, petting and carassing before pulling her had back to her mouth.

When she returned contact, cupping and gripping his cock, her palm was wet with saliva, warm and chafing fast and light, quick friction on the midsection and sensitive head of his cock. “Don’t come.”

“Please…”

“If you come, I’m making you drive us the rest of the way wearing nothing but a belly covered in semen. You think you’re exposed now? Imagine trying to concentrate on the highway like that.”

He has his shoulders tensed and his arms pulled in close to his body, bent at the midsection, neck muscles tugged so his head projected forward leading with his chin. “Fuck! Please stop.”

“Think about that, me holding your clothes right here on my lap until we pull into the motel parking lot. You having to dress while the concierge is looking to see what new person has pulled in and other people walking around. They’d probably see you…”

“Miss. Please. I’m going to come!”

She eased off, smirking. “No. No you’re not.”

Another car drove past, silver grey and boxy. He gave a deep breath, only to find she’d pulled her skirt up to her thighs and was tugging her panties off. The stretchy cotton discarded with his clothes, she straddled his lap, grinding.

“Ahh…”

She was wet, the head of his cock almost guiding itself into cunt with the slippery wriggle of her hips. “Ooff, crowded!”

She giggled, feeling the steering wheel awkwardly pressing into her back and squeezing him with her thighs, the better to make them both fit in the car seat.

“Please, please, please…”

“Nope.” She dismounted, sliding him out of her as she manoeuvred back into her seat. “Not until the next rest stop. Now I wonder if I should give you your shorts back?”

~

I’ve been playing with this fantasy for a couple of weeks and I’m glad to have another addition for Friday Femdom Fiction.

The post Friday Femdom Fiction: Roadside Distraction appeared first on O Miss Pearl.

So, it was another BDSM play party night. Woo sex parties with beautiful people! Let’s take off our clothes and mingle!

Actually, I’m an anti-social fuss pot who tends to default to hiding and sulking, but this one I was committed to trying to have a good time. After all, I’m pretty privileged to live in a large city with a vibrant and active community.

And really, as far as sometimes finding the public BDSM play scene a challenge, I blame that I’m an unimpressive top with intermittent social skills. I don’t mean to put myself down, I just mean as a dominant I can’t really fall back on flamboyant scenes, which removes some of the appeal of playing in public, and I have a hard time breaking into interactions with other people sometimes- and I get uncomfortable as the object of focused sexual pursuit, while having unreasonable expectations of worship. As such I decided that it was on me to figure out how to make things work, and flush with enthusiasm I threw myself into this party, complete with volunteering and trying to dress up extra cute.

Wildcard has a rather better experience- for him this is his kind of decadent fun he always dreamed about. He’s also new to the scene- like most libertines I’ve reached the point of jaded where the novelty has not only worn off, but been replaced by a patina of sameness,  fate that seems to befall a lot of kinky folk who’ve been kicking around the place too long.

But, in preparation for trying to have a good time, I did my best to make sure good things would happen including trying to prep for best possible top time. You’d think an open and active dirty word pornographer like me would be up on this kind of thing like fleas on  cat, but for me, getting into the saddle with someone is always pretty hinky- I need to feel like I want to be there of my own volition and I need to have a connection build up and not just mechanically walk through the dominant scene checklist, and I need to be seduced into feeling dominant.

Of course I’d told Wildcard that I really couldn’t do the ‘dom-on-demand’ thing where we were happy non-sexual/non-power exchange-y in day to day interactions and then poof, suddenly I had to drop into the role with full on confidence in a very public environment. So he was doing a good job of before time foreplay, which is to say going out of his way to pique my interest in swatting him, while I did my best to anticipate and plot. And as you will read on, things may have worked very well…

Getting ready, I dressed like I was sixteen, which is to say full on goth slut- little leather booty shorts, a brief bikini top and a home made fishnet shirt with mile high heels. Okay, sixteen year old me was lacking in footgear, but the last time I sported this look I was still sorting out having breasts. Lady Cobra did my makeup, because she’s talented as fuck at pretty much everything (seriously, she’s gorgeous, a wonderful top, an awesome partner to Vosko, a good cook and a phenomenally kind person with a lot of social courage), which meant I looked full on glam.

This particular super, secret invitation only BDSM play party was also the birthday celebration of a friend, so I spend some time today baking double vanilla cupcakes (heehee, vanilla) and producing a large batch of pink pastel  buttercream. I’d also looked to remedy my antisocial skulk by asking the host if I could volunteer with the event, and got posted for an hour long shift at dungeon monitoring, and amde doubly sure of getting involved and working to remedy my lack of top skill by asking Lady Cobra for another topping demo.

We ended up getting there about fifteen minutes before my shift, and did the rounds and hellos. Lady Cobra helped set up cupcakes by applying the icing in swirls while Vosko anointed them with paste sugar stars.

Getting the birthday boy aware there was cake took some wrangling, because he had a small army of people ready to spank him, but he was gratifyingly happy and until then my friends and I stood guard barring an increasing line up of hungry folk who saw the pink sweetness and couldn’t wait to dig in. And then it was duty time, making sure that nobody died or got seriously hurt.

Unfortunately Dungeon Monitoring, is the most anti-social job ever because you need to be attentive to the play of others, so talking to people beyond “Shhhhh….” to tell people not to have noisy conversations in the play focused space doesn’t really occur. As it happened, my shift also overlapped with when someone was giving a violet wand demo, which meant the number of scenes in my supervision fluctuated between one and two, both basically spanking, and bare handed spankings at that. You might imagine this did not demand serious scrutiny. So I spent an hour walking in little circles laden down with glow sticks, feeling redundant. Then again, better safe than sorry.

From time to time an equally bored Wildcard would leave his couch and smart phone perch  (I guess he’s not into electric play) and come poke at me with kisses or strokes. I let my imagination push me to think about what I wanted to do and how the evening would go down. Prior to the scene we’d had some private time where I’d told him sexy stories about him being an innocent boy seduced by one of the wild fun and free goth chicks he’d idealized as a teenager, leaving him well prepped, so when I handed off my official glowing sceptre of authority to Bob (who also contributed a hilarious novelty penis cake to the Birthday Boy), the next pair of eyes on duty.

Rather than worry about how to start, after I discharged my responsibility I found him and told him to strip off everything, right then and there, and sent him through the very public hang out area to fetch the toy bag from the coat rack. This meant watching him shuffle all awkward and naked with his arms held in front of him to shield his groin, and then shuffle back with everything clutched to his front. I had him fish out his play collar, a lovely brown leather number, and buckle it on.

Collar applies, I stashed our things in a convenient corner and stashed Wildcard on a St. Andrew’s cross, at which point Lady Cobra gave me a further flogging tutorial, first the patacake skin warmup, drumming your palms where you intend to strike later, and then starting with less mean floggers, working up to a creation of her own design with mixed strands of what look like wrapped leather barbed wire and regular but heavy strands in red. She said go gentle, and I tested it on my arm first to give me some extra assurance I wouldn’t shred anyone and actually found it kind of nice.

Although chained down in soft cuffs, Wildcard kept twisting his head back to try to see what we were doing, until I told him from a top’s perspective that meant we would end up thinking he was distressed or bored, at which point he went sort of limp except for occasional wriggling, and I practised until I decided I had reached my tolerance for learning for the evening. So far so good. My makeup was getting loads of compliments so I wasn’t too whiny.

Finding a seat afterwards, Wildcard and I transitioned into me teasing him, while he tucked his head away from the ridiculously bright swirling dance lights the dungeon favours as part of their decor, and I watched Lady Cobra hard at work on Vosko. Eventually, with Vosko’s back marked in rain drip style pink and red marks, they wandered off and I escalated the scene I was doing with Wildcard, making him straddle  red padded spanking bench and mixing and matching between two riding crops of different levels of nastiness and a wooden spoon, and my hand or my mouth on his cock, or even his own hand, forcing him to edge over and over. Intermittently I’d take ice and rub him down, all over his hot, helpless body, and watch him shiver with pleasure.

I decided to push him a little because he’s usually not up for anything intenser than a moderate spanking.  However, for some reason an audience galvanizes his ability to endure, so I put more viciousness into the blows, but this did nothing to limit his arousal.

Possibly this was helped by the fact that I’d been teasing Wildcard all day about how I wasn’t going to let him come “for the foreseeable future”, and by the end, as I was wriggling about on him, with him helpless and naked on a stage, he was begging to fuck me. But with all that stimulation I knew that he was basically going to come as soon as he got himself sheathed- I’m quite tight even at the best of times, so I wanted to make sure it was going to be worth it.

Finally, when I relented and gave him clemency, we ended up with me on all fours on the front of the stage, shorts and panties off, and him fucking me until he came loudly enough to get a smirk out of a person in the back of the audience.

I’ve learned not to ask about aftercare, which in this case was more ice, returning his boxer briefs and wandering into the quiet room. his own well being assured, I noticed that between the late hour and the end of his desperation (and thus obvious submissive vulnerability) I was going through top drop.

While sub drop is a well studied phenomena, it’s not unusual to experience mood changes after a scene if you’re a dom. I find it’s helpful for me to lie down for a little bit and not be ‘on’. For me, I’m just temporarily exhausted and then emotionally labile for a bit, not exactly major trauma, just one of those things.

So after he was clearly perked back up, we discussed our respective energy levels, although i was done for the night and he was willing to leave, knowing he deserved to get more fun out of the night, I sent him off to go talk to other people, and recuperated on my own for a little while until I felt less tired.

Five minutes of alone time did the trick, so I poked my head out to see what was going on, deciding I’d take the time to be social with folks before I packed it in, and wandered off to see what he was up to.

“I’m just going to show her how cropping works and then we’ll go.” I wasn’t quite sure who this was, but he made a vague reference to her being “from the munch” earlier- a petite, brown haired girl in the cat girl ears that are so popular with miscellaneous, typically female identifying persons (one party I went to it was like an ad for spay and neutering). Wildcard’s topping go to is still going to be the trusty smack of a riding crop, and I figured that a few whacks was something perfectly reasonable.

Wildcard tends to end up with a lot of positive female attention because he’s extremely pretty and because he actually takes the time to talk and flirt with people in a non-threatening fashion. Apparently respecting people’s boundaries while being congenial is sexy, who knew?

Meanwhile, thinking of time fillers, I remembered that I hadn’t participated in the communal spankings for the person whose birthday it was, and with trusty wooden spoon, joined the line to give my friend 23 of the best birthday wishes. He was a good sport about it, although with his perennial habit of finishing everything with a neatly thought of bit of technique critical feedback.

In any case, after thanking the recipient of festive whacks, I meandered back to see how his cropping demo was going and found him in happy top space, grope stroking a very theatrically distressed looking cat girl. Okay… that was not the little pop-smack demo I was expecting and I still honestly had no idea who she was, ‘from the munch’ being about as vague to me as ‘from the downtown area’.

The presented a conundrum as far as handling. I was still top dropping as a background state, so my emotions were all topsy turvy, something between burst into tears and cut off everything human emotion related and go into a self hating guilt spiral. Being aware of this, I decided to treat this as a filter and delay any further immediate reactions.

So on the once hand I’d already stated a personal comfort level with knowing who he played with and this leap to intimacy was freaking me out. On the other hand I was somewhat hit with the challenge that:

1) I had already given my stamp of approval to play with others and in fact encouraged him with some of his friends, including the first woman he ever cropped, (who will be known hence forth as Sexy).

2) He had checked in with me and mentioned that he was about to give a cropping demo, so I couldn’t really assign too much malice to his activities.

3) I have pretty much carte blanche from him to do whatever, although I don’t find this particularly useful. But it wasn’t like I could point fingers at things as unfair.

4) A huge lump of this was my own internally manufactured insecurities and I know little about how to deal with them because I’ve never had to deal with it to this degree before.

There is a secondary layer of trouble in that both of us have dealt with jealousy issues from partners in the past, at various levels of crazy, so there is the challenge of not being That Girl/Guy who looks for demons in every smile. Anyway, suffice to say, there’s enough baggage there to justify its own post.

Thus, marshalling my best ‘you are being a drama queen, push these emotions off for processing’ head state, I went and gathered up our stuff and then tried to think of the best way of not reacting like a crazy jealous looming spectre at the feast, while continuing to try to figure out why I was being so god damn weird about this.

And someone mentioned how I looked all blissed out from topping earlier, so I must have been doing a good job even though the running track in me head was don’tbepisseddon’tbepissed If you can’t smile, for christsake at least try not to act like a god damn hypocritical lunatic or a child.

He finished up, looking happy at his little adventure and came to see me and my armloads of stuff. Apparently while my poker face fools the masses, my mouthed “Who was that?” followed by “I have no idea who that was…” was not going to take Wildcard in as attempts to simply discern data and he dropped into “Wildcard has fucked up and must look after Pearl” mode. Cue more guilt on my part, as well as feeling helpless because there’s very few less powerful positions to be in than that hurt-confused reaction that goes with having your insecurities tripped.

We made our goodbyes, and I did my best to reassure him that he hadn’t really done anything wrong- at least such that I could piece out in my somewhat dragged out head state. As is the way when two humans do the thing where one is bruised, he kept reaching for me to touch and reassure himself that I was alright.

I talk about this because I think it’s not a bad thing to look at the gears under the display- friday femdom fiction might try to be the real life friendly porn, but I think there’s value in also discussing imperfection, particularly my own. So we went home and went to bed and both had a good sleep and a snuggle.

The post script the next day was a discussion about why I was uncomfortable with what happened near the end of the night, both where I was being reasonable and where I was being unreasonable. I think we have a much clearer picture on that aspect of the public scene, which, in all honesty, was probably worth the oops. And then we had delightful kinky fun all weekend, which was… pleasing.

The post Another Real Life BDSM Play Party (Making It Work) appeared first on O Miss Pearl.

One of the first questions people ask after realizing that they have submissive fantasies is how they can find a femdom. The standard advice, which nobody can escape, is that you’ve got to meet a lot of people until something clicks.

On the other hand, if you’ve been looking for a while and nothing’s working, here’s 8 basic tips for increasing the chance of meeting your match as well as what to do now to help make it work better when you do find her. Because there’s no sense in self sabotage or ineffective effort.

Can’t find a femdom? Are you doing these eight things?

1. Participate in your local and/or online BDSM community. Thanks to the magic of the internet, even if you live in a tiny country with a small, conservative population, chances are there are at least an online community in your area devoted to kink. The reason why you should do this is because at the very least you won’t feel completely by yourself, and when you do find the femdom of your dreams, you will sound more sane and knowledgeable. BDSM is a very simple thing that a lot of people make overly complicated, and hearing from other kinksters will also give you more of a sense of what’s out there- as well as what to avoid.
2. Talk to all the people, not just the dominants. If you use kinky communities to just try to talk to only what seems to be femdoms, you are not only missing out on some interesting people, but you are missing out on the hidden pool of kinksters, tops, switches and so on. Even just making friends, it also helps because even if you don’t meet someone directly, other people may introduce you to them based on “X seems cool!”. Meanwhile, if you only try to date openly kinked, you exclude all the women with the potential to rock your submissive socks who don’t currently have the vocabulary to describe what you both like. All these people you are ignoring by only pursuing obvious dominant  women *might* actually be into what you are looking for, and treating it like a numbers game and trying to enjoy the socializing for its own sake will make you calmer than if you hold out for Miss Perfect Domina Pants and ignore Suzy Switch, Katy Kinkster and Vanessa Not As Vanilla As She Seems.
3. Define what you are looking for in a D/s relationship beyond generic labels. Do not rely on simply looking for someone who identifies as a dominant or expect everyone to know what you mean as far as kinks, when you call yourself a submissive. One of the biggest problems people deal with when looking for a femdom is that they tend to think of the role as being universal- with every relationship looking like the ones they imagine in their head. When you do find a femdom, you should not make the mistake of assuming just because someone is dominant they want to do everything you want. Similarly, it’s a lot easier to get some casual experience with various things like impact play if you don’t just tell people “I wanna be a sub” but you focus on things like “I want to know if I enjoy spanking for real as much as I imagine I do.”
4. Make your online profiles about you. When you’re writing profiles or otherwise have a chance to present yourself as a potential sub, think in terms of the text on the back of a book. A good blurb tells you what the book is about. It does not tell you about the sort of customer the publisher wishes would buy the book. It doesn’t tell you the scenario they envisage you reading the book in. Similarly if you simply describe the sort of dom you want to meet or just focus on sexy suggestions that gives potential doms nothing to work with. Meanwhile your main profile photo is the cover on a book- stolen porn is like a generic stock art cover that gives the reader little information.
5. Don’t wait to meet a femdom to start exploring. A lot of newly self identified subs think the first step is finding a dom to show them the literal ropes. Even if your very important celebrity-political-childcare-job keeps you from active BDSM scene participation, you should take the time to learn more about kink safety. It’ll also help you to know what to ask for and what to expect- and don’t forget that not all dominants are super experienced- many doms benefit from a partner who lets them practice and are nervous about being asked to be super experts.
6. Take the time to work on yourself as a person. Plenty of guides to new subs tell you to meet minimal grooming standards and so forth, but you probably don’t need to be told to shower or wear pants. However, beyond the basics, when you finally do find a femdom, you’ll be able to build a relationship with a more solid foundation if you take the time to look after yourself first. Whether tamping down those pesky anxieties that plague all of us, or loving yourself enough to invest in achieving your other goals, you’ll be a much happier person, which will make you more inherently attractive to others. Come on, you deserve it. Even if all you want to be is property, you’re valuable property.
7. Focus on people who are compatible with your entire life, not just your kinks. A lot of people forget that the bedroom is only one part of an entire relationship- even if you have sex every day that’s only about one hour out of 24 and you still need to have something to talk about beyond BDSM and how hot she is. You can afford and deserve to be picky, and generally you’ll be a lot happier with someone you connect with than someone who is your perfect kink match on paper.
8. Work on smaller goals, not bigger goals. A huge mistake a lot of sub guys make is going from fantasy to trying to end up own, collared and buried in intense commitment. While you shouldn’t message random women looking for a flogging on demand, going in the opposite direction and seeking immediate extreme commitment is like being the stereotypical crazy person who tells you the names of the kids you will have on your first date. Look for having short term fun with people who deserve your respect- you are auditioning partners as much as they are auditioning you.

The post 8 Things You Could Be Doing To Help Find A Femdom appeared first on O Miss Pearl.

So a couple of weeks ago, I got another contender for the spot currently occupied by “Jeremy Smith”. For a little while I hesitated to publish this for a number of reasons. First of all, the challenge with getting crazy, entitled messages is that the people who send them probably know better already. As I’ve stated in my FAQ, abusive messages result in naming and shaming. I don’t feel particularly mean here- this isn’t doxing as the guy has m4femdom ads under several versions of this name or other names than Ronald Gill an easy Google search away. Plus, there’s a lot of advice oriented around not poking the crazy after it shows its true colours. And this guy decided what I really needed in my life was a rape threat.

Now as far as messages, Ron opened with yet another standard, relatively innocuous plea that I appear to be genuinely into this stuff, although he didn’t really provide any information about himself other then the field he worked in, and the sort of grammar structure that hints ESL, suggesting this was an international solicitation.  Basically just spam, since I’m not exactly hanging out a shingle saying ‘dominant for all”, but the sort of thing that happens because if you are apparently female that means that people think you want to be partnered with them with a little coaxing.

In so far as unsolicited come ons, I have a policy of declining people with an actual response, and if their approach is too far off the mark, telling them so. In Ron’s case I was mostly baffled why he thought I was interested and told him as much, querying why he thought I’d want a complete stranger in a geographically remote location.

Contact with him merely made him think he was being considered, and I learned he was under the impression that Wildcard and my Ex were the same person, that I had made Wildcard into my slave after a breakup. Ron was apparently all set to make the jump from Seattle to Canada based purely on my status as a female dominant. Now as a relationship progresses that might not be unhealthy goal for an LDR, but keep in mind this guy was anxiously waiting for  yes so he could file for a transfer at his job- before he new my real name or even whether or not I wasn’t  raving psychopath. But, he claimed, there just wasn’t anyone available in Seattle.

For anyone sensible, warning bells were already sounding when someone living in a major american city claims to have only met professionals and findoms. Not even “I’ve met many nice dominants, but they all seem to be in relationships/do not suit” but that this guy genuinely seems to think what he met was all there was, and his reading comprehension was just a little teensy bit off in ways that were very self serving.

Suffice to say, I turned him down, and then when he asked what was wrong with me, told him not to contact me again. To which he responded with this gem:

Hi Pearl,

Where do you live?  No, seriously, where?  Coz, I want to come and rape you you fuck faced ass holed slut..LOL.

Ron

At this point I would describe him as not so much unhinged, as having completely lost his doors and shutters, and possibly the roof to boot. The sad part is that this is not exactly abnormal behaviour from men receiving a no. You get used to the “fuck you, you’re ugly anyways” as your personal choice after being is taken as some sort of cruel and unsolicited judgement of their value as a person

But this is one of those cases where you know the guy is his own worst enemy. I don’t know how much of his public persona is a fabrication- he claims to be a doctor and/or working for a medical non-profit, but writes like he’s got a head injury. There’s a couple of years of scattered online dating profiles, all of the “plz dom me” kind, placing him in India, which suggests this is equally likely his wank account and he isn’t coming anywhere near any of the North American femdoms he’s hoping will be interested in him. But, I’m posting this primarily because it’s always been useful to me to know I’m not alone when someone is proving beyond a shadow of a doubt why they should never be alone with a woman.

The post Crazy Messages: Why Ronald Gill will never find a femdom appeared first on O Miss Pearl.

So as a follow up to me going public with Ronald Gill, as mentioned in my last blog post, Ferns of Domme Chronicles mentioned on twitter this little pustule was blistering up her inbox as well -although he was being relatively innocuous, if trying to rush interactions with her like a creep is to be considered normal. Upon Ferns discovering his behavior towards me, he obviously got told to hop it.

And of course he decided to flip his wig and send me a long, rape threat laden rant in response.

Pearl,

Fuck face, how are you cunt?  That was a neat post and I love my name (which obviously is not mine anyway) being posted on your website/blog.

Should I thank you for that?  Perhaps not.  Perhaps I should let you suck my cock for free.

Perhaps United Nations must award you for some great work for your research on my location you ugly cunt..seriously..wait..I am not joking..lol.

So you think posting about me on your blog will not stop me from meeting you soon and raping the sit out of you you dumb ass? lol

Nice try though, I expected a coward like you was at least capable of doing that you dumb fuck. Lol

Who cares who your ex is?  Who cares who the whore you are?

The fact is Pearl is a whore as much as sun rises in the east.

Did a dog rape your mom or did your father rape a donkey?

Well Pearl, nice try though, dumb ass.

You proved yet again that you are a filthy piece of shitty fuck meat, who will have a hot iron rod plunged deep into your pussy soon.

Try more, post more if you like.  Will that make you find me?  Sure, when I will be raping the shit out of you you hag.

Ron

Aww, muffin! Apparently it didn’t occur to him that doms talk to each other.

He’s also particularly fixated on the WHORESWHORESWHORES aspect, as well as rape and miscellaneous animals – methinks he moonlights as a Game of Thrones villain when he’s not camped out being rejected by femdoms. Because I can bet large amounts of money every single interaction he’s ever tried with a woman online has resulted in her ignoring him through to outright blocking.

And that’s going to happen when he creates a new persona that’s not “DrRonald” the medical missionary, because he’s going to give off the exact same sketchy, off vibe I got the first time he hit my inbox, and the same pushy, stupid cliche and porn fed approach that causes anyone but a professional with the patience of Buddha to auto delete (and most pros to delete with extreme prejudice as well).

I do, however, feel sorry for the women who are new to this. For people like Ferns and I, it sucks, but it’s like the legally permitted amount of animal wastes in human food – it’s there but you generally just try not to think about it. But I’d hate to think if he was your first message and not the 300th time you’ve dealt with the whip around “waah, you don’t want me so now I hate you!”

Of course I’m not particularly concerned that he will actually physically come to my location- the serial and absurd levels of lying means that he’s clearly someone usually happily buried in a fantasy life- probably not very geographically mobile at all, probably trying to hid from the miserable limitations of knowing he’s an unfortunate human being- and indeed as Wildcard observed, these outbursts of crazy are on profile with the reactions of someone lashing out when their delusions are called into question.

Regardless, the trotgill@yahoo.com and all his other aliases (eg “drronald777″ on skype, or rudyk) are done, at least in so far as their being a public record of his behaviour. Even before he went nuts, both Ferns and I smelled a rat and looked him up within a few messages- and I really can see the name-n-shame approach is really the best way of handling this sort of abusive nonsense.

The post Reader Letter: Ronald Gill Follow Up appeared first on O Miss Pearl.

Female dominants get messages, partnered or unpartnered, searching or trying to hide. In honour of the recent batch of crazy letters and threats, I’ve created a quick guide for new femdoms for signs you should save yourself the trouble and delete the message now. If any of these nine behaviors have come up in the guy’s efforts to talk to me, I’ve never found any good was going to come out of the interaction.

1) Tries to rapidly escalate or control the conversation medium. If you’re on a dating site, they try to push for an in person meeting immediately. If you’re online, they try to get you to give them more contact information right away or keep pushing to switch to another medium, eg going from email to chat, or guessing at your geographic location (such as “did I see you on X street?”)

Why this is bad: Taking the time to feel comfortable is important when you’re getting to know new people, among many things because it lets you figure out who they are on your own terms. Someone who pushes you this way doesn’t care about this and may even want you to disregard something about them you would pick up on if you took your time.

2) Instantly appears enamored of you and/or tries to force a D/s dynamic right away. They greet you with loud and hyperbolic praises, more so than simply a polite, respectful compliment or two – or they start trying to sub to you right off the bat. Alternatively, within a handful of messages you are, according to them, the best person they have ever met.

Why this is bad: An actual attachment to someone takes knowing them – anything else is fantasy they’ve created in their heads. The problem with being put on a pedestal this way is that if you do anything to topple off your perch, you are put at risk for them not being able to handle reality.

3) Only seems to know about femdom from porn. They have a particular, rigid understanding of roles and relationships and seem startled when anything deviates from their script. For example, they don’t seem to know negotiated limits are a thing or think dominants and subs are a special class of people under different rules than everyone else.

Why this is bad: If we were a few decades ago, the lack of material available would make this attitude slightly more forgivable. These days, the sheer wealth of knowledge presented to the newly self identified as kinked means that anyone with an internet connection can find scads of teaching resources. Therefore it shows a disproportionate willingness to let what they want to be true be the case, and more to the point, they’ve absolved responsibility for themselves.

4) Instant or whirlwind courtship commitment. From the word go they are already sure you are the one. They will relocate, marry you, whatever. Their heart is, according to them, true, and belongs only to you. This is probably combined with #2 – in their eyes you are the best and most beautiful and they want your collar NOW.

Why this is bad: Once again, this person is chasing a feeling more than trying to have a meaningful, nuanced relationship. This also tends to be a pattern in people with personality disorders- super epic passion followed by a crash when they stop being able to sustain things.

5) Claims they “read all your profile” or writing, but can’t answer simple questions about it, or takes and approach counter to what you’ve written about yourself and your preferences. You say you want a poly relationship and they talk about monogamy. You say you are a down to earth tomboy and they talk about how feminine you are. You say you hate being called titles and they open with ‘Mistress’.

Why this is bad: Being forced into being a fantasy prop is a perennial problem for femdoms, and also this sort of nonsense is proof of the person’s willingness to lie to you from the start, instead of saying “I liked what I read so far”.

6) You have a really bad feeling about this. Something feels off, but you can’t put your finger on it and you feel bad about not giving them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they are just awkward or have a socialization disorder?

Why this is bad: Trust your gut. Women, in particular, are taught to disregard symptoms of dislike and make nice and forgive. Protect yourself. Even if you feel like a meanie – adults with social problems aren’t automatically allowed to put you at risk by trying to be open minded and most actually awkward people are balls of blushing apologies, not the type of people who make you feel itchy under your skin.

7) They have nothing nice to say about other people. All the other femdoms were findoms or fakes. They were crazy or ugly. You’re different of course! Not like their bitch ex- or their wife who’s a prude, their abusive parents or shitty boss.

Why this is bad: Everyone knows some bad people in their life, but if all the people they know are horrible by their description it’s statistically more probable they are the problem. and cross them and you will be just another fake who hurt them, according to what they tell the next woman.

8) They start telling you what to do, or expressing really strong preferences about other people or you. Maybe it’s phrased as introducing themselves, but they want to make sure you know that they like a particular thing, for example they start worrying about you getting fat or thin, they make appearance based suggestions or offer unsolicited critiques.

Why this is bad: This person is a controlling jerk who thinks they are just being honest. they won’t care about you except such that they can cram you into the shape they wish you were.

9) They want to talk about what gets them or you off in detail right away. You get asked to describe scenarios, share your fantasies, or they just won’t STFU about co-eds in ballet flats or busty trans leatherwomen.

Why this is bad: Wanker! This person is going to try to use you to titillate them. If their fantasy talk is all you want, good, but don’t expect things to get better or to focus on anything other than immediate gratification.

With this sort of winnowing in mind, consider it a chance to save your valuable time for only the worthwhile people. And remember, you don’t owe anyone a chance more than you deserve to feel safe.

What did I miss? What are your favourite signs that things just not going to go well?

The post 9 Reasons to Block and Delete a Sub Sending You a Message appeared first on O Miss Pearl.

So this question popped up in my fetlife feed, and with the original author’s permission I reprinted.

So, I have a lot if issues. I’m new to all this and really need a mentor in general. [To keep things short] I’m going to try my best to narrow things down and hopefully find some help that way. For one, I’m kind of shy. I like to get to know people before I’m comfortable enough to act “dommy” around them. And then I also like to take other people’s feelings and abilities into consideration. I guess you could call me a soft domme? But then all of that just causes issues for me, like people expect me to be a super dominatrix bitch right away, or they expect me to make all the rules and boss them around. What do I do with all this? How do I get over this shyness so people will actually take me seriously and not call me a fake all the bloody time? Then, if someone actually gets past that, I’m not sure what to do with them. They usually suggest that I give them tasks or whatever, but it’s always sexual, and I’m not interested in sex all that much. What I really like is the aspect of control. Anyway, in short, I don’t want my D/s relationships to revolve around sex. So what I can do? And what are some tasks that I can give them to do that aren’t as sexual? 19FDomme

Hi, 19FDomme!

Figuring out how to get what you want is a challenge at any age. Being a dom, especially a female one, means dealing with a whole bunch of expectations and stereotypes that may stand in your way. As you’ve probably already noticed, there’s a lot of expectations put on us to be “in role” from day 1 and develop some sort of persona rather than simply relaxing and being yourself. Part of finding satisfaction as a Dom is getting past what others want for you and discovering what you want. When it comes to diagnosing your problem, I want you to think about this sentence. You wrote: What I really like is the aspect of control. 

This is very reasonable and a huge part of dominance as a personal identity- it’s no wonder people trying to use you as a fetish dispensing machine are boring and frustrating you! A key part of dominance is the near addictive draw to that sensation of power. It might be benevolent and nurturing, or it might be sadistic, but it can also be one of the most challenging parts of getting your needs met.

The first thing to remember is that submissives are not interchangeable, so things not working out with one sub does not mean you are a bad dom or not a dom. Building a D/s dynamic is about finding someone you work well with, and no one relationship is a perfect copy of anyone else. This can feel frustrating, because you are probably bombarded with attention and loads of guys are promising they really want to submit, but most of them are just asking you to fill their fetish needs. Even if they are ready, eager and willing to try to make you happy, at this point, no knowing you, all they can offer is suggestions based on what they want and what porn tells them you want. This can make the whole thing seem not for you.

Unfortunately, beyond the problem of getting to know people well enough to actually serve them, rather than the abstract idea of a dom, inexperienced subs will also forget that doms are people too and may act pouty if they don’t get the fantasy they were expecting. Because of this, you may feel like you have to put on an aggressive, unapproachable persona with everyone you meet in order for possible play partners to take you seriously. Actually, you can consider not doing that your idiot filter- the ones who expect you to be Mistress WhippyBitch straight off the bat really don’t care who is dominating them- and have demonstrated they don’t want to take the time to get to know you.

Dominance is intimate, and it’s vulnerable. It involves being capable of being selfish, and admitting that you want things badly enough to have someone do it for you. Meanwhile, wanting to care about your sub’s needs and feelings doesn’t make you a weak dom, it makes you not a raving pyschopath. Pornography (and the marketing copy of professionals) gives the impression that dominants are unyielding bullies with zero empathy and a constant presence. It can be natural to be very shy about your dominance if you feel like you have to overcome that public perception! Any sub that calls you ‘fake’ for being who you are instead of their fantasy is not worth your time. That’s because being a dom is not about what their kinks mean to them, it’s about what your desires mean to you.

For most people, BDSM is sexual. I don’t know, in your case, whether for you it’s a psychological power trip, or you’re just not particularly promiscuous with your favours. Be that as it may, it’s okay to want to do things your way because it’s your sexuality/personality and that’s going to be constant even when you are single. While professionals excel at packaging femdom into a one size fits all approach, finding something that works for you is about finding your own kinks. You said get the most satisfaction from a sense of being in control- so if you want to build on that you need to develop what sort of control you want. Power can be about giving people things, or about denying them.

Here’s some very basic advice in that line:

1) Take the time to educate yourself about what is and isn’t okay regarding limits and safety advice. That way you will feel secure knowing how to keep your sub protected while being able to call out nonesense when you encounter it.

2) Confidence is born from being able to feel in control of yourself. I already talked about recognizing time wasters and learning to banish them. You should also decide what your standards are and commit yourself to being willing to cut people off who disappoint you – with reasonable expectations, subs being idiots to you will no longer feel like you failed and you’ll save your energy for the ones who are worth it. You can also know that you are going to be extremely desireable to your potential partner – good subs are worth their weight in gold to a dominant, but you don’t have to put up with “eh, close enough!”.

3) All that fetish stuff- the tying people up, etc… is about creating a feeling. You should only do it if it helps create the feeling you want to experience in you as well as in your partner. If it isn’t your kink and it doesn’t make you happy, you are not less dominant for saying no.

4) Do the leg work in your courtships because it lets you control for interactions more so than if you just sit in a chair waiting for subs to petition you. This may sound all awkward and weird, but start with a few positive comments and the mere fact that you made the effort will get them standing up to attention. On the other hand, don’t let people mistake passivity for submission- it’s okay for subs to get fulfillment out of your planning and aggression, but they should never make you feel like some sort of under paid manager and entertainer.

5) There is no such thing as a free lunch, so make sure that subs trying to ‘serve’ you are clearly understanding and expressing what they get out of it. A common route for wasting time is the service-for-fetish bargain a lot of people are offering. Service can be many things, but it’s supposed to be a tangible gesture of a sensation of subjugation or worship, not a work exchange.

6) Don’t express yourself sexually or socially the way you think dominants are supposed to want it- own what you want. If your personality is mousey and soft, don’t let other people force you to speak louder to be more dominant- make them stop and listen to your whisper.

7) Lastly, watch out for the hype- once one’s confidence is built up, it’s easy to buy into the idea the idea that dominance puts you above inputs from subs. Outside of a pre-agreed upon dynamic they are your equals and even then, don’t let yourself miss out on all the valuable guidance and feedback your partners have to offer.

The post Reader Letter: Embracing Femdom As A Beginer appeared first on O Miss Pearl.

The ribs of he corset pulled in on her ribs, steel bending soft bone and pushing creamy breast up, pillowy at the satin edged top of the construction. Her body pushed back, straight lined bones forced to be an hour glass that bllowed sharply beneath into the roundness of her hips. Uncontained , but for the black cross strap of the garters and the little scrap of lace panties. She’d put her stocking clad feet into heels, but those had been kicked off when she’d pushed him back into the bed and climbed on top.

He could feel her weight, warm and soothing, her palms pushing on his chest. She giggled and whispered, “The safeword is to tap. If I see you thumping me, yourself or the bed, I know you’ve had enough.”

Her hand had teased his cock, petting whole hand strokes like she was stroking a cat, then running her hand up his belly and chest, feeling the light brush of hair, before skipping to his face. Her fingers pinched off his nose and her other hand cupped over his lips, sealing off his air.

She watched his face, helpless, eyes getting wider until he began to pat at her thigh and she released, letting him exhale and draw a breath.

“Breathe. Breathe out.”Her hands went back over his mouth and nose. She held them there, feeling him try and fail to suck more than a few whistles of air around the seal she’d made. When she saw the hints of a struggle, she removed her hands again. “Breathe.”

While he took in air again, her hand crept back to his cock, teasing and pulling where it was already half swollen. He moaned and she made a muffled sound of delight, something between a giggle and a contented murr.

“Breathe. Breathe out.” This time it was her mouth, not her hand that sealed his mouth. He’d kept a little air, which she breathed out for him, through her nose, and then drew in a breath, feeling her corset creak as her chest expanded, feeding him.

He made almost no movement, only cringing back into the bed, but holding himself at her mercy. She was alert and careful, watching everything he did, making sure he weakened but never truly slipped too far. His eyes were wild and wide, fearing even though he could push her off with one arm, and his cock stayed snap-stiff with hardly any attention.

She tugged of the little scrap of stretchy lace, now wet through, tossing her panties off the bed and rubbed her groin to his, letting the wetness and the grooves of her cunt tease and slide him into the right position, before letting him sheath inside her. Perched over, and around him, her hands went back to his mouth again, stealing his air and squeezing inside. “Breathe. Breathe out.”

She alternated then, only wriggling her hips when his air was stolen, so that each gasp was made as she loomed over him, smiling. “You want to come, don’t you?”

He didn’t waste air talking, nodding as he sucked in greedy breaths before she took it away again.

“Come then, come in me.”

The orgasm was violent, twisting him into an arch bend, head rolling back, open mouth breaking the air seal on her hand. She took them away, finally, and let him finish spasming that way, pulling in air even as all his strength was stolen from him.

He was pale, and sweat dappled, while her palms were clammy from his exhalations. She kissed him again, this time feather light, slipping her weight off of his as she shifted to his side. “Breathe. I’m done.”

The post Friday Femdom Fiction: Breath Control appeared first on O Miss Pearl.

The last couple of weeks have been rough as far as health problems that have seen Wildcard and I both hitting clinics within short days of each other. While neither one of us is dying, we both aren’t helped by the summer humidity either.

Friday evening, after yet another stress filled day, I went for my thrice weekly run, leaving Wildcard all by his lonesome. Stress seriously cuts down on sex time, as does being under the weather, and with him starting to feel a bit better he was hinting a certain interest.

After putting in my usual time and distance in sneakers, I came back to find him with laptop on his lap, gently stroking his half hard cock while chatting with a room full of strangers. He perked up and suggested that I could join in, tie him up and tease him, to which I gave him one of my patented looks. I am not a big fan of dominance on demand. with me you don’t call the shots and set the script. You can suggest sexy ideas, but it isn’t going to fly if you try to put my urges and control on rails.

He didn’t end up tied up to the bed, but he did end up edging himself and then bent over my knee for a mean, hard spanking while everyone he’d been entertaining earlier continued to watch. Hand was soon switched up for a belt, probably my favourite of his to use, a big thick piece of supple brown leather.

I had him on all fours, facing the camera and reaching underneath himself to keep his cock hard- and his facial reactions showed me that he was experiencing some intense sensations from the leather striping his cheeks, while the colour changed to a bright pink, blossoming from the blush of his warm up to a good ruddy rose of a proper bare skin spanking.

The reactions are the best part for me, watching the intensity in his face as I made him count off loud so everyone of the people in the chat room could hear. It’s not the first time I ended up spanking him on camera for anyone to watch, but Wildcard is a horny little exhibitionist who get both extremely turned on and extremely humiliated with an audience. As well as the usual horny guys drooling over me, we got a couple of ladies getting into seeing him paddled, gratifying since I like it better when he doesn’t get treated like he doesn’t exist. And I knew that kind of attention is Wildcard’s big weakness, so you can bet he was feeling extra vulnerable and submissive to whatever sadistic cruelty I intended. Spanking him on camera for women to watch is a huge fetish for him!

He was the one who noticed the little wet patch under me, a mark on the sheet where I’d been resting, but it was me who told him that he had to fuck me without coming- as long as he could manage, stretching it out as his thick cock filled me up. We started with me astride, riding him, but pretty soon he tipped me back and made himself take his time while I teased him by gripping his cock with the muscles of my cunt.

He took a long time just like I ordered, waiting a minute after I gave him permission before finally cumming with a loud muffled groan into my neck. We ended up spooned up after that, with various audience members indicating their appreciation.

The problem with a live crowd, of course, is that you don’t control them, so it’s no wonder that sometimes the questions get a bit weird. I’ve been compared to people’s stepdaughters. and we often get bombarded with requests for butt stuff. This time we got asked: So, is he the biggest guy you’ve ever fucked?

The girthiest. Even super turned on as I was, he’s a tight fit.

The post Femdom Life: Spanking Him On Camera appeared first on O Miss Pearl.